We Have A False Notion Of Independence

As We Age, We Need A Plan For Caregiving

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I know I just wrote a little about the notion and costs of frailty risk. But I’m going to force the issue here. My experience with clients is that nobody wants to talk about caregiving and being cared for. (Exception: My mom, Hurricane Jackie, who begins every Saturday morning conversation with, “If anything happens to me….”) 

We must discuss aging, frailty, and long-term care plans before it happens to us. Good financial planners will discuss the long-term care component. But insurance doesn’t magically solve this set of challenges. Our 50s feels like the “right time” to discuss it with our parents, our children, our partners and our siblings. Yes, this is an ecosystem thing. It’s a cultural values thing. And it’s an undeniable thing. Some of the most productive conversations I’ve had with my clients involved multigenerational discussions that I could facilitate around values, plans, and mobilization dealing with “in-the-event-of” scenarios.

Relationships with aging parents are fraught and not unlike a relationship with a toddler who communicates poorly and shuts down—or melts down—without notice. The difference is that we describe parenthood as a labor of love and eldercare as a toleration.

Why is that? Because this is how Western society operates. Elsewhere in the world, and outside of the white middle class, elders are not disparaged or sighed over quite the same way.

We need a rethink.

We’ve done it to ourselves, of course. We say, “I don’t want to be a burden to my children.” Why is that exactly? Were they not a burden to you for the first 18 to 24 years of their lives? What are we teaching our children if not to respect and incorporate their parents and grandparents into their lives for as long as we have them, lest we have regrets when they’re gone? And what does “not being a burden” mean? Are you saying you never want to live with them? If my step kids were smart, they’d let me build a mother-in-law suite in their house and have us provide free childcare and home maintenance. (Well, free except for my opinions, but everything has a tradeoff.) If you don’t want to be a financial burden to your children at 90, you must plan for it at 50. You also must plan for what you require of their time commitment, because that’s what people are forgetting to consider.

HJ (Mom) still lives independently at 96. But understandably, her requirements for my time are somewhat more immediate these days. I run a few more errands, I take her to more doctor’s appointments. That sort of thing. She has also requested that Fred and I not travel too far internationally on vacation, so I agreed to stay “on the continent” for the next few years.

Last Friday, while shuttling her among doctors, picking up her groceries, and stopping at the pharmacy for a prescription refill before depositing her back at her apartment, she recalled the day she checked Dad out of the hospital where he’d received a stent, and immediately drove 20 minutes away to check on her mother in nursing care. She felt guilty that I’m now in a similar position. But I saw this coming.

For me, what’s important is that I live my values now so that I don’t have regrets when she’s gone.  If that’s a few inconveniences, I’m okay with it.

Aside:  I had my first “I’m-in-Ohio-and-my-mom-needs-me-in-New York” incident a couple weeks back.  It did not feel good. HJ prides herself on her independence and that she doesn’t want me or my brother to worry. But of course, we do. We are never so independent that our family members don’t worry! And that’s why the concept of aging independently is—from the outset—a false notion. There is no such thing. She’s only independent because I’m banned from the examination room lest the medical professionals address me and not her. (Yes, ageism is a huge challenge in medicine, but we won’t explore that today.)

Why am I telling you this? Because this is a season. Caregiving, however it looks for us, major or minor, is a season of our lives. Some of us experience it young, some later in life.

One in five working people are also care providers. And we have no effective policies, training, or safety net for this season. 

There are people who must leave work and undermine their financial security to provide care. There are people who are giving up time with their children to be present for their aging parents. There are people whose adult children will never be independent. And the care for those adult children will pass to their siblings or strangers.

In 2016, 74% of caregivers were women. By 2020, that number dropped to 63%. Will we see meaningful policy change because men are increasingly charged with caregiver duties? That will require the work of Allies. (That’s the men in our lives, in case they need a reminder.)

So Allies, if you love your mothers, your daughters, and your spouses, you need to enact policy that supports these needs. Otherwise, you’ll be left holding the bag, and the vacation you wanted to take with your 60-year-old wife for her birthday is not going to happen because she needs to stay within driving distance of her 90-year-old mother.

You also need to support your daughters. Why? Because otherwise your retirement will be undermined by the necessity to help with daycare and childcare that they may not be able to afford. It is not just the job of women to fix this. It’s the job of our Allies because you can change it. And it’s of benefit to you to change it because it’s ruining your golf plans.

This is also not just a poor person’s problem. The only people who are unaffected are those with so much wealth that they can never spend it down. If you have a net worth of $3 million or even $6 million you are still at risk of running out of money. And all the money on the planet won’t find a caregiver if there are none to be hired.

But back to the point I want to make today, which is not about the financial side of the equation or even the policy side. It’s about the time/values side. The thing that equalizes us all is that we only get 168 hours per week, and we need to be able to choose how we spend that time. Part of feeling wealthy is living our values.

That requires putting a good care plan into place for ourselves, our parents, our children and our grandchildren.

I’m reminded of a family mobilization plan we had for my grandmother, who lived in Forest Hills, Queens.  (She was 93 before she finally relocated to an independent living community in Florida.) If she ever failed to answer the 7 a.m. call from my mother, it was “go time” and we all knew what to do. I’d take the E Train from Manhattan, and my father or brother would hop in the car. Someone could always get to her. And it kept her safe until she was ready for additional assistance.

I don’t know what your mobilization plan should look like. But you should be thinking about it 20 years in advance. And it should be shaped around the values you have as a family. I hear young people telling their parents that they will care for them without really understanding what that means. Let’s gain some understanding by plotting it out within the context of supporting careers, raising our young, maintaining our lifestyle and caring for our elders. In other words, what would it mean to leave the workforce for a period of time to provide care?  What would it mean to have a curtailed schedule? What would it mean to live in geographic proximity? (Relocating to Florida was never going to be an option for me.  Wasn’t HJ surprised that she’d have to manage winters again!  Fear not—she’s toasty warm.)

Look, long before caregiving becomes a financial consideration, it’s a planning consideration and a time consideration. We would be well served if we devoted a family get-together to, “If anything happens to your father and me…” a la HJ. Even if you are just sharing the location of important papers, that starts the conversation and models the right approach for the kids.

There’s a famous Rosalynn Carter quote about the four types of people in the world: “Those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.”

We are unprepared financially. We knew that. But we are also unprepared logistically. We can help that.  And maybe we should take a cue from cultures that do a better job of rallying around our elders. #WeRescueOurselves

On Friday I’ll be convening a 10,000 Steps with Madrina Molly at 6 a.m. EDT. In the spirit of habit stacking, I’ll be walking on the treadmill, hydrating, and sharing some thoughts on this topic: Caregiving, Caregivers, Care Receivers and Us, my thinking about the care we will need and that which we will need to give.  

Register here.  All proceeds go to The Madrina Molly Endowment. Pop in your earbuds and let’s learn more about this as Women of a Certain AGEncy get our steps in.

Copyright © Madrina Molly LLC, 2024

The information contained herein and shared by Madrina Molly™ constitutes financial education and not investment or financial advice.

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